Some embarrassing travel moments

I was at a market in Provence and had a hankering for a nice old local cheese.  So I sauntered over to the cheese stand and ordered "une vielle de Provence".  The man behind the counter had a sly grin on his face, said something about "old birds in the tree" and roared with laughter.  He then proceeded to share my faux-pas with everyone within earshot.
It turned out I had asked for an "old woman from Provence"...


Here are some more funny stories about embarrassing travel moments.  From ordering a drink from the wrong person, to ordering "preservatives" in Spain.


An ass please
I had a similar experience in Greece in the way I pronounced ‘please’.  Only I didn’t find out about my error until about a year later when I colleague pointed it out as I was telling a story.
Para k’olo/para k’alo is please
Para kolo is for the ass.


Ordering a drink...

The heat was intense and we were parched so we dropped into a seedy looking bar and sat down at one of the tables.  Thinking she was a waitress Ed motioned to a smartly dressed woman standing talking to a patron at another table.  Over she came and rattled off something in Spanish which we had no idea of what she was talking about.  We replied "dos grande cerveza" - pretty good for a couple of gringos aye, no need for Rosetta stone lesson here;
A puzzled look came over her face but we chalked that up to our total slaughter of the Spanish language so we repeated our order.  She sauntered off speaking in Spanish to the guy sitting at the table across from us and they laughed loudly.  A couple of minutes later she dropped 2 beers on the table and I handed her a $500 bill and off she went to get change.   She came back with a big smile on her face, placed several bills on the table then placed 5 neat piles of two 5 dollar coins on top of the bills, then stood there with a silly grin on her face pointing to the money while again rattling something off in Spanish.
You don’t have to hit me over the head with a hammer - I get it she’s asking for a tip.  I scooped up a pile, placed it in her hand to which she gave me a puzzled look said something in Spanish again turned her butt towards me and gave it a slap.  It was then and only then we realized she was not a waitress at all, she was a hooker looking for business and it was only through our superb handling of the Spanish language we convinced her to put aside her trade for the moment and fetch us a beer.  “Dumb Gringo’s”


What's with the stain?
I was travelling to Australia for the first time and sat down in my airplane seat.  The stewardess offered a glass of orange juice just as we were settling down before take off.  Within a second of her handing it to me I spilled it all down my leg.
For 24 hours and 2 stopovers I walked around with a huge yellow stain on my trousers from my crotch to my knee.  I developed a method of walking where the stain was not visible too much but that just made me look like I was needing to go to the toilet real bad!


Splitting up
My friend and I were taking a train from Hanover, Germany to Prague.  She had purchased a sleeper bunk and I decided to wing it and find an empty seat.  I found a seat in the cabin behind her.  As we made our way to Berlin I kept going in and out of sleep worrying I might not be on the right cabin.  As I woke up in Berlin, I saw the back of her car pulling away - our trains had split!  I ran to the back of my train and asked the passengers who knew English “Where is that train going?!” “Prague” “And where is our train going?!” “Warsaw!”…..”Oh no!”


A shitty business
I was in Turkey and had developed a serious case of traveler's diarrhea.  I walked into a pharmacy and not knowing any Turkish, I used some vivid signs and sounds to indicate what my problems were.  "Ah", said the pharmacist in impeccable English.  "You must have diarrhea".


In a jam
Spain in the 1980's was still very much a conservative country and a young single woman traveling through the countryside was not a common sight.  I had spent the night in a tiny little village and not had breakfast yet.  I decided to get some bread and jam.  I walked into the local store, where a little old lady fully dressed in black was attending to another customer.  I looked around but could not find what I was looking for.  Using my best Spanish, I asked the lady for "preservativos", thinking it to be the correct word for "preserves".
The lady had an absolute shock on her face and said something in rapid-fire Spanish to the client she had been helping.
The client turned around to me and, with a beet-red face, explained in halting English that this was a grocery store, not a pharmacy.
It was only later I found out I had asked for condoms....